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My Emotional Cauldron August 15, 2014

Posted by michaelnjohns in Uncategorized.

Oh this recipe tastes weird.  I have this mix up of emotions today.  Today marks 22 years I’ve been married to the most amazing woman, with the most beautiful eyes.  I still love it when they sparkle at me.  Tonight my plan is to take her somewhere quiet and candle-lit for some great food and conversation.  But I feel mixed up.  Stir the pot.  Love.  Stir the pot again.  Loneliness and failure and regret.  Stir the pot again.  Hope.  Stir again. Exhaustion, hopelessness, fear.  Are the bad emotions and the lurking dread just lies my brain is telling me, or are they right?  Are the good emotions and the hope I feel more true?  Will it change?  For Better or for Worse?

I can’t recall feeling this much of a mix in the whole course of our relationship.  Maybe on our wedding day.  She said I was white as a sheet and everyone was afraid I’d pass out at the altar.

I love her so much.  If she could look through my eyes, she’d know how amazed I am that she chose me.  But I feel like I’ve disappointed her, and myself, so many times… I just want success, and no more failing.  And I’m tired and not sure I have time or energy enough to fix the inaction and fear.  And I am not enjoying the tidal wave of failing and refusals for positive answers to my prayers.  I want so much better, so much more for us.  For her.  For our family.

Aargh.  Is this just butterflies before a date, or is there something deeper I should be concerned about?

Ever felt like this?




1. Larry - August 16, 2014

Michael: The first 22 years are the hard ones. I know. My wife and I just celebrated 41 years of pure bliss.

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