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Blurting it out June 25, 2014

Posted by michaelnjohns in Uncategorized.
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Life requires discretion, restraint.  But sometimes I just want to blurt it out and say what’s on my mind.  Instead I either nod my head and smile that subtle smile that doesn’t show teeth, or I just hold it inside and struggle to turn my head away.  I don’t want anyone to think I’m some kind of creepy stalker.  We’re not allowed to share a compliment, for fear of it being labelled harassment or something.

You see yourself as an imperfect vessel.  You’re alone in your own mirror and you view the things people teased you about when you were a kid.  You still hear them calling you those names, every time you see your reflection.  You see the tiny thing and it’s huge in your sight, like one of those carnival fun house mirrors. You see the scars, and remember the pain, and wish.

You overlook what’s important.

But I see you.

I’m not asking for anything.  I don’t want anything except I wish I could just blurt it out and say it.  I can’t tell it the way I want to, so I keep quiet.  If I tried, I’d stumble over any kind of compliment and you’d think I was creepy.  You have your life and the best thing I can do is leave you alone so you can live it without worrying about my intentions.  I have my life and it’s my intention to go home and feel the alone-ness of my soul and remember how beautiful you are and smile, hoping your life is happy.  I looked and was captivated, completely spellbound.

You are like a living marble statue, too pretty to touch.  I’m afraid I’d mess it up if I only shook your hand, and nothing more.  If I could talk to you I’d tell you I think you’re the most amazing, beautiful person.  If I could articulate it, the only thing I could say would be “duhhhh” by which I would mean ” wow! holy crap! you are so pretty, I’m speechless!”  But I’d stumble even saying something like that.  Those movie stars have it so easy.  It’s in the script.  They don’t have to be articulate and witty and funny and harmlessly charming all on their own.

I saw you, the way you smiled so hopefully, without a hint of self-absorption.  The smile was something intended to affirm the person you smiled at, not to prove anything about yourself.  Your smile was inspiringly beautiful.  Your smile, your eyes, attracted my soul like a starving man who smells a twelve course banquet.  If only I were a real poet and I could say something adequate, but there are no words.  I read your mind, seeing in your eyes the friendliness and hope, and behind that, the fear, the wish that I shouldn’t notice your flaw, whatever that is.  If it’s there, I didn’t notice. That’s why I smiled back and then turned away.  If we knew each other and we had talked about whatever flaw you notice in yourself, and you smiled that smile to not say, “I hope he doesn’t notice my flaw,” I would hug you and tell you that whatever the small thing is, it’s eclipsed by a million blinding candles of the magnificent beauty that I see thumb-printed all over you by the Creator.  

But instead I just smiled weakly, to not say, “duhhhh,” by which I would have meant “you’re beyond incredibly beautiful, an exquisite work of art,” and I didn’t open my mouth because I was speechless.




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