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Charlie Sheen, King Solomon, and Me March 18, 2014

Posted by michaelnjohns in Uncategorized.
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I have a friend who is a big fan of Charlie Sheen. Through the whole crisis of Charlie’s leaving “Two And A Half Men,” my friend stood by and watched the celebrity reports. He reported the news to me. The one-man show, the tweets about the producers, writers and cast. The women. He is, in a word, legendary. At the risk of crossing fandoms, he’s perhaps not as legendary as Barney Stinson, the character from “How I Met Your Mother.” But Barney’s fiction might well measure up to Charlie’s fact. Does Charlie know how many women there have been, in and out of his life like hundred dollar bills given to strippers and other unknowns?

I don’t know who originated the rumor that sex is customary after three dates. It’s a lie, of course. I held out until I got married, believe it or not. Or maybe my wife held out until we did. Perhaps some of both. I became quite fond of Hershey’s special dark chocolate bars in those years of waiting, if you were wondering how I managed to stay sane. My sanity might be questionable, but I’ll leave that for history to reveal.

Can you imagine, all these one-night stands, or two or three month stands, Charlie has had? Do you think anyone can top that?

I was thinking maybe Solomon. King of ancient Israel, son of King David, the giant slayer. Although the kings were firmly cautioned not to multiply wives or horses or accumulate lots of gold (Deuteronomy 17:16-20), he did all three (I Kings 11). Here there should be a Craig Ferguson style comparison joke, laced with innuendo. I picture something talking about saddles, warm blankets and sugar cubes. If you know Craig Ferguson, you know he’d end the joke with “and so did the horses.” Or if you’re older, maybe the foreign king delivers a Henny Youngman style joke ending with “I’m sick of looking at all these horse faces. And while you’re at it, take my daughter, please!”

Solomon is also legendary in real life, but I think he set the bar. 700 wives and 300 concubines. That’s 2.74 dates every night, some of them even hot ones, according to The Song of Solomon. Some of them not, according to a more careful reading of the Song of Solomon. But he might have traveled one week each month, so he wouldn’t have a thousand women trying to murder him all at once. What a schedule. I’d be dead even if they didn’t murder me in my sleep.

Poor Charlie. Poor Solomon. I feel sorry for them because I know what happened between me and my wife. I’ve fractured my soul in our relationship, and part of it is with her. If that happened between Solomon and his thousand, or Charlie and his…however many that is… they are shattered men. I’m merely broken, and I know where to find my other half. (see what I did there?)

Three dates? Please. You might know the girl’s first name and phone number. You don’t even know the girl’s religion, political party or birthdate yet. Much less, their hobbies and their philosophy of life. A one night stand, or even a once-a-year hookup, doesn’t do a good job of forging a solid, truly loving relationship. A once a week hookup isn’t even enough. And if you leave after the relationship gets to the first difficult climb or frightening rapids, you have to start the whole thing over again with someone else. It’s so much work to start over again. So I’ll advocate for marriage, with all of its issues and problems. I don’t know if Solomon himself was wise enough to figure out the relationships, or whether the women stayed there because they had to, or because they all believed they were his favorite. I think that must be how Charlie works his game. And if it happens after three dates, I’m sorry to tell you, you were either playing or you got played.

If he (or she) is abusive to you, run away and don’t look back. If he (or she) plays you, run away and don’t look back. Because if it happens to you once, it is probably the pattern that will continue throughout the relationship. Guys don’t change their behavior, except maybe for a one-night stand, which is why you ladies should make him wait until you find out if he’s really as good as he looks on the first night. And the second, and the third, and maybe even the 365th. He’s going to relax eventually, and when he does, you’ll find out if he’s scruffy, wrinkle-shirted, disheveled and growing fat. And then you can decide if you really like his kind of scruffy, wrinkle-shirted, disheveled, fattening personality, his hobbies and interests, and worst of all, his habits.

If you want to wade in the shallow water, that’s your thing, go for it. But be forewarned, a shattered soul takes a while to heal, when you do find “the one.” And there is “the one” for you. Trust me. There’s a richness to a quality relationship that reserves the heart and soul and body for one person. You’ll find “the one.” I did, and I’ll keep my wife, please. Believe it or not, although we are both aging, she becomes more beautiful to me with each passing year. (Romantic, isn’t he?) I’m the one who is scruffy, wrinkle-shirted, disheveled and slowly gaining weight. At least, staying with just one, I have a 999% better chance than Charlie or Solomon of avoiding the kitchen knives and frying pans if they should come at me. And we can share the warm blanket and the sugar cubes. My recommendation: Just say “Neigh.” I mean, “nay.” Until you say, “I Do.”

Who knew a comedy “bit” would come with a bridle. I mean with a bride.



1. Larry - March 19, 2014

You mentioned the Song of Solomon. I wonder if there is a Song of Sheen. Might be interesting reading.

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